As I am sitting here this morning, I am wondering why I give myself such large challenges. I chose my “Theme of the Year” to “Just Be.” To me that implies, giving up the stress, the worries, the fear, the longing, the “I’m not good enough’s,” the “what ifs.” That list could go on and on and on, so I will just leave it there, you get the picture. I really am working on most of them and doing fairly well…but that stress and worry thing, that is a B***H!!! It is hard not to worry and to eliminate stress when an event that will impact the rest of your life is before you. I don’t often have events like this in my life. Usually, I can eliminate them immediately by using “will this matter in a month, a year, 5 years?” In this case, the answer to all three is a resounding YES! So, how does one reduce the stress and worry about something that will have an effect on their life for a long time to come? I am not sure I have the answer to that question, as I have been trying all sorts of things to no avail. Distraction is always my go-to! It works for pain and depression, to a point that makes both manageable for me. But now, it has been less than effective. I do not seem to be able to concentrate on anything…it has taken me five days to get back to finishing this short post! Nor can I meditate, as I can not stop my brain, although I do not know where it is going. I do seem to be able to sleep–during the day. At night, that luxury escapes me, even when I force myself to skip the daytime naps. So, no, I am not coping well. Or maybe I should just say I am not coping as well as I want to cope! I am coping. I have not done anything “foolish,” like shopping with money I don’t have. That would be my go to temporary feel-good. I am breaking that pattern, or I should say I have broken it…the one good thing that has come out of this journey. I have learned what is truly important in life; and I am learning, usually the hard way, whom I can trust to provide it!
I have two more days to wait until this event is over. Of course, there will be no outcome that day. Or in the days after that. It will take weeks. More waiting. The second lesson I am learning here. Patience. Waiting. To “Just Be.”