Tag Archives: journey

Soon it will be…2015

End of the Year Musings

I’ve usually spent the end of the year doing inventory, as if my life were a warehouse of goods that needed to be categorized and labeled, so I could show others all that was there. Now, however, I realize that I needed to have them counted, so I could prove to myself that I had them there. It was as if I was not a whole person, or a good-enough person, unless my warehouse was overflowing with the “good-enough’s.” Of course, considering that I have been unable to work for over 3 years, and a lot of my self-worth was on my work, my warehouse was getting very empty. Like any other fractured human, at least this is what I like to tell myself, I tried to fill it with all types of other things. Despite all of my attempts, nothing really worked. I always felt empty, alone and lost.  My inventory method was falling shorter and shorter each year, as my way of measuring up to my own standard no longer existed. (One would think I would have figured out this was going to happen and I did, I’m just not too quick on the change factor!)  Recently there has been a shift…yes, a change can happen, it just takes a while…a long while…a  long, long while….

I am not doing inventory this year, however, as I do not see a need.  I know what happened and I know what did not happen.  I know what I accomplished and what I wish I would have.  I am aware of all the ways that I want to do things differently, so I see no need to go back and “dig them all out again.”  I also do not see a need to make any New Year’s Resolutions…I do not see any value in them.  I have made them, broken them, beat my self up about breaking them, made new ones, broke those and felt like a failure, all by midnight on January 1st.  Not doing that again!

I did have a theme for 2014…JUST BE…and although I think it took about eleven and a half months for me to get there, I do think I have learned to just be.  I love my solitude, perhaps too much…no, that’s like too much fun, just can’t happen.  I am content.  I have what I need and I am very fortunate.  I was able to give during the holidays in ways I never thought I’d be able to again.  That has made me very happy.  And I have no expectations of anyone else.  I do not want or need anything.  I have been so blessed to be able to Just Be!

So, as I look forward to 2015, I am sure I will find another theme that fits.  At the moment, it feels that   it will be more action-oriented; the time for sitting and reflecting may be done.  That is okay though, I believe I am ready for the challenge!

So Happy New Year Everyone! I hope that you find your inspirations in the New Year!  And before I go, I do want to thank all of you in the blogosphere for all the inspiration that you have  given to me this year.  Your love and encouragement has kept me going, even during my “absences” from posting… Thank You All

 

 

Class Reunion–35 years and counting

So I broke down and went to my first class reunion last weekend…okay it was my third-fifth class reunion, just the first one I’ve ever really attended. I went to the fifth, but stayed twenty minutes and left. It felt like high school and I didn’t need that again.  It is so interesting to see that little microcosm of society! For the most part, everyone has stopped worrying about “who is better than” and “who has more,” yet there were those “select” few.  You know, the “ones” who still talk to the only the other “ones.”  And they look around the room making eye contact with rest of us lowly minions, thinking that we are pining for their attention.  I noticed them about a half an hour before I left…and I was there five hours.  Someone I was talking to pointed it out to me, so I paid attention.  I realized that there was this “group of four,” not including their very uncomfortable spouses, who were having a very difficult time getting the rest of the mingling crowd to pay attention to them.  They tried a lot of things: they laughed very loudly, then looked around to see who noticed; they all walked to the bar together giggling at whatever, pretending not to look around; and they did the same on their social visit to the restroom.  Their extreme disappointment when no one cared what they did was evident…everyone else had moved on…had grown up…had seemingly left them behind.

It really was good to see people again.  I wish that  more people attended, but who am I to talk, it took thirty-five years for me to attend!  I realized when I got there that I miss the friends I made in high school.  I haven’t seen most of them for thirty-five years.  It isn’t anyone’s fault, life just happens.  I never felt like I fit in then; after this weekend, I know it doesn’t matter anymore.  That is a refreshing feeling.  It is sad that it took thirty-five years for me to feel that way, yet it is great that it happened at all!  I also realized how truly blessed I am to have reconnected with the friends I have since moving back to my hometown.  They have made this transition so much better.  I would be lost without them.  It is good to have this time in my life to reflect on what is important and what is valuable; what is lasting and what is true; what is golden and what is treasured.

 

 

My Super Dooper Trooper – Not Saying Goodbye Yet

So we went to the vet yesterday to check on kidney functioning and glucose levels.  My Rudy is amazing!  His kidneys are now functioning within NORMAL RANGE and his glucose level has dropped 200 points!  While it is still way high (450) at least it is headed in the correct direction! The vet is pleased and said that we are not out of the woods just yet, but we are definitely headed in the right direction.

Of course, I wanted to take him out for breakfast to celebrate-or at least for a walk in the park.  Instead I brought him home to his “special food” and his insulin shot.  Poor guy, he’s worked so hard to get his levels in check and he can’t even have a treat to celebrate!  (It got way to hot to go for a way later in the day.)  And I think he was just so happy not to be at the vet’s office that he was okay with coming home.

I am now cautiously optimistic that he will be okay for a while longer.  My emotions have been all over the place and I am sure they will continue to be.  I know this is not the important part, Rudy is. It has been a roller coaster, though; maybe for him too.  I just feel very lucky to have more time to spend with my Begga-boy!  It doesn’t happen very often that we get that “little more time,” or that “one more day,”  that we so often ask for when it is too late.  Now it is my challenge not to waste the gift I have been given, but to make the very most of it I can!  I hope I am up to that challenge.

I also want to thank everyone in the virtual world who gave Rudy and me support and prayers, they made all the difference!  Without my virtual friends my days would have been much harder.  I am blessed in so many ways.

Now I must return to Rudy who is asking for something…probably a treat that he can no longer have…

A Three Year Journey, Never Intended

Three years I began a New Life.  Or should I say I began a New Journey in my Life.  A New Journey sounds so much better and more intriguing, wouldn’t you agree?  I would assume it depends on whether it is a Journey one intended to take.

I went home for lunch on a Thursday afternoon, it was August 5, 2011.  I’d been having “episodes” of unknown origin, but they were mimicking TIA’s or mini-strokes.  I had been to the hospital ER many, many times; had more CT scans of my head than I probably should have in my lifetime; and, had freaked out my friends, my co-workers and myself more than once.  On this day, instead of going to the ER, I called my doctor.  I thought that was a wise move, since I was tired of wasting everyone’s time and resources to be told that they didn’t know what was wrong.  The doctor told me I had to see a neurologist and until I did, no more work.  Little did I know that it would take a year, and my insistence at seeing a third neurologist to get a diagnosis and a solution.  Of course, by this time, I had no job, which meant I had to move because I could no longer afford where I was living.  Of course this provoked just a little (sarcasm here) stress in my life, which caused the RA to go out of control.   Additionally, I lost two of my main supports, which were my old neighbors.  I had not planned on that.  I’ve never returned to work and my health is such now, that it seems unlikely I ever will.  Although, I would like nothing better.

There are many details, twists and turns that life has taken throughout these past three years, far too many to mention here.  The life lessons are always the most important; the demons we struggle with and overcome; the challenges we face and win; and the realization of who and what really matters.  I know that these will continue throughout my life, I hope to get better at dealing with them and at letting go of the little things and the things I cannot change.  I am finding that, unfortunately, that also means letting go of people.  There are people in my life who let me down to the point that I can never trust them again; who have shown me their true character and, not that I am perfect, it is cruel; and, there are those who have, at least in their own honesty, walked away from me.  This has been the hardest part of my journey during the past three years.  Or maybe it has been the hurt I have caused others, for I know I have.  I have let people down in ways for which I have many regrets.  I have tried to make amends where possible and apologies when I can.  And tried to do it better the next time.  I guess that is all to do.

It has been an interesting journey.  I have learned a lot about myself, my world and the people in my world.  I have been to the depths of depression and have had wonderful friends to pull me back up.  I have had major health crises that without my friends I would literally not have survived.  And I have had triumphs that my friends were with me to celebrate and share.  What have I learned? That I have the BEST FRIENDS, that I am BLESSED they are in my life; that no matter how dark or lonely some days may get, they will ALWAYS be there, just one phone call away.  I have also learned that I can handle much more than I thought I could, and I really thought I was pretty strong before.  I’ve learned to be more independent and to ask for help only when it is truly needed.  I’ve learned to let the little things go and not stress about them as much.  I’ve learned to be GRATEFUL for all that I have, for it is so much!  I’m learning to ENJOY EACH MOMENT because it is all I really have and to stop expecting things to be a certain way.  It appears that when I can release my expectations, I am pleasantly surprised by something new!  The biggest thing I’ve learned about myself is that I have a lot to learn!  This is good, for life will continue with its twists and turns and how boring it would be without them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

April Writing

April Fool’s Day.  I am going to challenge myself this month.  I have “signed up” for the NaNoWriMo April Writer’s Camp.  I didn’t know about it until a couple of weeks ago, but I decided to give it a try.  It is a motivational “camp” where you join eleven other “campers” in a “cabin” and together you motivate each other to meet your writing goal for the month.  My writing goal: 50,000 words.  Yep, that is not a typo, 50,000!  That breaks down to 1,667 words per day! I wish there were 31 days this month! Not that the one day would make all that much difference, 55 fewer words per day, but maybe I could miss a day? Already looking for a way to procrastinate, and I have never procrastinated before!

There are only a few people in my life that know about my life-long dream of writing a book and having it publish and having it sell!  I’ve revised that dream to a realistic goal of writing the book.  If it gets published, which I can now do myself it no one else does, that is a plus.  Of course, the writing is the first step.  There are more people in my life who know that I am a perfectionist.  Writing a book and being a perfectionist are two things that do not mesh well, I am finding.  At least not when I am writing the first draft of my first book!  I am trying to follow the advice of the saying I have hanging above my computer by Iain Banks: ” Writing is like everything else: the more you do it the better you get. Don’t try to perfect as you go along, just get to the end of the damn thing. If you try to polish every sentence there’s a chance you’ll never get past the first chapter.”  

So, I will be writing, not polishing, not perfecting, not proofing; just writing.  This will be hard for me, as it is totally against my natural tendencies.  But isn’t that what writing, like life, is all about:  stretching ourselves beyond our comfort zone, stepping outside the box, trying new things, etc. I haven’t done much of that either, at least not recently.  I’ve been too complacent with staying inside my safe, little cocoon where I know what will happen.  Part of that is because of my health and part is because of finances and those concerns remain, however, there are ways to step out a little and writing is one of them.  That is why I started this blog, to step out a little, to try my hand at writing and see if I received any positive feedback.  I have and it has felt good.  This is NOT a plea for positive feedback now…I wouldn’t feel it was genuine if I received a plethora of positive responses! I am grateful for all that I have received and will receive (hopeful thinking)!

And my writing journey continues, albeit a bit scarier and more intense…