End of the Year Musings
I’ve usually spent the end of the year doing inventory, as if my life were a warehouse of goods that needed to be categorized and labeled, so I could show others all that was there. Now, however, I realize that I needed to have them counted, so I could prove to myself that I had them there. It was as if I was not a whole person, or a good-enough person, unless my warehouse was overflowing with the “good-enough’s.” Of course, considering that I have been unable to work for over 3 years, and a lot of my self-worth was on my work, my warehouse was getting very empty. Like any other fractured human, at least this is what I like to tell myself, I tried to fill it with all types of other things. Despite all of my attempts, nothing really worked. I always felt empty, alone and lost. My inventory method was falling shorter and shorter each year, as my way of measuring up to my own standard no longer existed. (One would think I would have figured out this was going to happen and I did, I’m just not too quick on the change factor!) Recently there has been a shift…yes, a change can happen, it just takes a while…a long while…a long, long while….
I am not doing inventory this year, however, as I do not see a need. I know what happened and I know what did not happen. I know what I accomplished and what I wish I would have. I am aware of all the ways that I want to do things differently, so I see no need to go back and “dig them all out again.” I also do not see a need to make any New Year’s Resolutions…I do not see any value in them. I have made them, broken them, beat my self up about breaking them, made new ones, broke those and felt like a failure, all by midnight on January 1st. Not doing that again!
I did have a theme for 2014…JUST BE…and although I think it took about eleven and a half months for me to get there, I do think I have learned to just be. I love my solitude, perhaps too much…no, that’s like too much fun, just can’t happen. I am content. I have what I need and I am very fortunate. I was able to give during the holidays in ways I never thought I’d be able to again. That has made me very happy. And I have no expectations of anyone else. I do not want or need anything. I have been so blessed to be able to Just Be!
So, as I look forward to 2015, I am sure I will find another theme that fits. At the moment, it feels that it will be more action-oriented; the time for sitting and reflecting may be done. That is okay though, I believe I am ready for the challenge!
So Happy New Year Everyone! I hope that you find your inspirations in the New Year! And before I go, I do want to thank all of you in the blogosphere for all the inspiration that you have given to me this year. Your love and encouragement has kept me going, even during my “absences” from posting… Thank You All