Tag Archives: fear

Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster

Once again, it has been it has been far too long.  I can honestly report that it is not because I’ve had nothing to say, just no time/energy to say it!  Just to catch every one up: Rudy, my Super Dooper Trooper is doing Wonderfully! He gave me another scare, and only one week ago I thought I was going to lose him.  Then, on Wednesday, 9/10, he had a “perfect” glucose level of 133! The vet and I agreed that we are going to wait one month before testing him again.  He’s been through enough tests and it’s time to just let him be for now.  Additionally, I have fallen twice in the past  two weeks, which has taken a toll on my body.  This may be the stress of everything causing a lack of coordination or just too much going on.  Either way it is taking a toll on my body!

Needless to say, dealing with this emotional roller coaster has left me fairly exhausted all the time.  I am still keeping up with the things I normally do, I am just not doing them at the same level.  I do think in the past day or two, I am starting to return to “normal,” whatever that is!  At least, I am feeling like I want to do something again!  I have begun to “study” writing, as I believe that to do something well, one must keep up on the skills of doing it.  In my case that means learning AND doing!  I have done that with just about everything I have ever done in my life and it has worked out well for me.  I just have to watch out for the tendency to get caught up in the learning and never get to the doing part!  Especially now that the doing is writing, which is very scary for me.  As I write those words, it seems very ironic that writing would be scarier than therapy! After all, therapy is, if done incorrectly, a far more dangerous enterprise. I mean, if I suck at writing, it is not detrimental to anyone’s life. (Except maybe my ego, but not my life.) Yet if I sucked at therapy, I could really screw someone’s life up. And I was not scared to walk into my office every day and see folks for therapy, in fact I enjoyed it.  So when I think of it that way, writing should be easy, right?  I think I will continue learning…

On that note, I just started reading a new book, entitled “Trying Not To Try” by Edward Slingerland.  It is based on the Chinese Philosophy of wu-wei, which is described as “an effortless way to go through life with spontaneity.”  It allegedly disputes all the thoughts about planning, reasoning and effort being needed for a happy life.  I am interested to find out more about the philosophy, especially since it fits into my theme of this year: “Just Be.”  Also, maybe it will help me be able to put words on paper; just write and stop trying so hard to make it perfect and planned out.  Which, of course, will probably go against everything I am learning about outlines, research and index cards!  That is what makes learning so much fun though…reading about all the different ways of doing things and putting them together to make the way that works for me!

After all, once I figure it out, I could write a book about it!

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The Consequence of Fear

So much for my “Just Be” theme of the year.

I think the Universe is giving a me Giant Push which is getting stronger and stronger.  I, of course, have not recognized it until now.  I am a bit slow in these things.  I tend to be the complacent type–no that’s not right either.  I am the one who gets really excited about doing something, so I get all kinds of “stuff” so I can start it; which I do, then I quit and everything just sits there.  I then kick myself for spending bunch of money for something I am once again not using; starting and quitting something again; and, feeling like I am never going to accomplish anything.  My next move, you ask?  I hit the couch, turn on the “I don;t have to think about it” electronic box, pull out the electronic game pad so I really don’t have to think and I can zone out for days.

Of course, that is not the only reason for this lay on the couch behavior. Usually it is because of the pain being bad enough that I just can’t function that day.  Sometimes it is because the depression has taken over and I just don’t care that day.  And sometimes it is because I am running away from feeling as if I give up on the things I want to do, without ever really trying to do them.  I’ve never thought of myself as a quitter before, at least not until I began writing the last sentence.  I really don’t like it.  Feels quite yucky, for lack of a better term.  Wow, I have to change that one.

One thing that I have not quit and will not give up on is writing.  A couple of weeks ago I was away from home and did not have any information about the book I have been working on with me, but I did have my laptop with me.  So, I started typing about my life, thinking it would be more cathartic than anything.  I really didn’t intend for it to turn into anything I would ever consider publishing.  It seems that the Universe may have other plans. The most interesting ideas about my writing comes to me around 1:30 AM, so I have learned to keep a notebook, flashlight, pencil and my phone (it takes dictation) next to my bed every night.  Last week, I “received” information about what I thought was my cathartic writing.  I really don’t want to go into all the details here, but the title I was “given” was “The Consequence of Fear.”  I then “received” reminders of all the things I didn’t do in my life, that I wanted to do, because I was too afraid to do them.  The list was much longer than I remembered.  It was also very sad.

Choices. I have had many to make and I don’t think I’ve always done such a good job at making them.  I know:  I did what I did and I can’t change anything.  I’ve learned from the decisions I’ve made and there is no use in looking backwards.  Except, to use what I see to make different choices now.  To overcome the fear when given the opportunity to make a choice.  To do something different.  To step outside of my comfort zone and do things differently.  To work on that Bucket List!  It is now or never, I suppose.  After all, “You have to have some fun every day, who knows if you will even have tomorrow.” This is a statement made by my great-niece recently, that has resonated with me ever since she said it.  She is wise beyond her years!

Getting back to that Giant Push I am feeling.  Things are changing, shifting in my life.  I feel disconnected from people I know, like I am being told “it’s time to get out there and do new things, meet new people.”  This is really tough for an introvert, especially one who has isolated herself for the past three years. I also have to be cognizant of my health concerns, financial concerns and physical abilities.  Of course, I also have to be aware of using these as excuses too.  They have been a convenient way to explain away my isolation.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to get ill.  I was exposed to pneumonia in May; I got it the first of June and I am still dealing with the effects of it at the end of July.  Health issues are a valid concern.  Yet the Push is getting stronger, no doubt about it.  Soon it will not be something I can ignore.  I don’t want to ignore it anymore.  I want to do some of those things that I have avoided.  It all comes down to the choice–let the fear rule or overcome it!

 

Sometimes You Just Have to Admit it Sucks

As I am sitting here this morning, I am wondering why I give myself such large challenges.  I chose my “Theme of the Year” to “Just Be.”  To me that implies, giving up the stress, the worries, the fear, the longing, the “I’m not good enough’s,”  the “what ifs.”  That list could go on and on and on, so I will just leave it there, you get the picture.  I really am working on most of them and doing fairly well…but that stress and worry thing, that is a B***H!!!   It is hard not to worry and to eliminate stress when an event that will impact the rest of your life is before you.  I don’t often have events like this in my life.  Usually, I can eliminate them immediately by using “will this matter in a month, a year, 5 years?”  In this case, the answer to all three is a resounding YES!  So, how does one reduce the stress and worry about something that will have an effect on their life for a long time to come?  I am not sure I have the answer to that question, as I have been trying all sorts of things to no avail.  Distraction is always my go-to! It works for pain and depression, to a point that makes both manageable for me.  But now, it has been less than effective.  I do not seem to be able to concentrate on anything…it has taken me five days to get back to finishing this short post!  Nor can I meditate, as I can not stop my brain, although I do not know where it is going.  I do seem to be able to sleep–during the day.  At night, that luxury escapes me, even when I force myself to skip the daytime naps.  So, no, I am not coping well.  Or maybe I should just say I am not coping as well as I want to cope!  I am coping.  I have not done anything “foolish,”  like shopping with money I don’t have.  That would be my go to temporary feel-good.  I am breaking that pattern, or I should say I have broken it…the one good thing that has come out of this journey.  I have learned what is truly important in life; and I am learning, usually the hard way, whom I can trust to provide it!

I have two more days to wait until this event is over.  Of course, there will be no outcome that day. Or in the days after that.  It will take weeks.  More waiting.  The second lesson I am learning here.  Patience.  Waiting. To “Just Be.”