Three years I began a New Life. Or should I say I began a New Journey in my Life. A New Journey sounds so much better and more intriguing, wouldn’t you agree? I would assume it depends on whether it is a Journey one intended to take.
I went home for lunch on a Thursday afternoon, it was August 5, 2011. I’d been having “episodes” of unknown origin, but they were mimicking TIA’s or mini-strokes. I had been to the hospital ER many, many times; had more CT scans of my head than I probably should have in my lifetime; and, had freaked out my friends, my co-workers and myself more than once. On this day, instead of going to the ER, I called my doctor. I thought that was a wise move, since I was tired of wasting everyone’s time and resources to be told that they didn’t know what was wrong. The doctor told me I had to see a neurologist and until I did, no more work. Little did I know that it would take a year, and my insistence at seeing a third neurologist to get a diagnosis and a solution. Of course, by this time, I had no job, which meant I had to move because I could no longer afford where I was living. Of course this provoked just a little (sarcasm here) stress in my life, which caused the RA to go out of control. Additionally, I lost two of my main supports, which were my old neighbors. I had not planned on that. I’ve never returned to work and my health is such now, that it seems unlikely I ever will. Although, I would like nothing better.
There are many details, twists and turns that life has taken throughout these past three years, far too many to mention here. The life lessons are always the most important; the demons we struggle with and overcome; the challenges we face and win; and the realization of who and what really matters. I know that these will continue throughout my life, I hope to get better at dealing with them and at letting go of the little things and the things I cannot change. I am finding that, unfortunately, that also means letting go of people. There are people in my life who let me down to the point that I can never trust them again; who have shown me their true character and, not that I am perfect, it is cruel; and, there are those who have, at least in their own honesty, walked away from me. This has been the hardest part of my journey during the past three years. Or maybe it has been the hurt I have caused others, for I know I have. I have let people down in ways for which I have many regrets. I have tried to make amends where possible and apologies when I can. And tried to do it better the next time. I guess that is all to do.
It has been an interesting journey. I have learned a lot about myself, my world and the people in my world. I have been to the depths of depression and have had wonderful friends to pull me back up. I have had major health crises that without my friends I would literally not have survived. And I have had triumphs that my friends were with me to celebrate and share. What have I learned? That I have the BEST FRIENDS, that I am BLESSED they are in my life; that no matter how dark or lonely some days may get, they will ALWAYS be there, just one phone call away. I have also learned that I can handle much more than I thought I could, and I really thought I was pretty strong before. I’ve learned to be more independent and to ask for help only when it is truly needed. I’ve learned to let the little things go and not stress about them as much. I’ve learned to be GRATEFUL for all that I have, for it is so much! I’m learning to ENJOY EACH MOMENT because it is all I really have and to stop expecting things to be a certain way. It appears that when I can release my expectations, I am pleasantly surprised by something new! The biggest thing I’ve learned about myself is that I have a lot to learn! This is good, for life will continue with its twists and turns and how boring it would be without them.