There have not been many external events happening recently, unless you count the illness stuff and I really don’t want to. Or you count the recovery from illness, which is a bit better to focus on, I guess. Other than that there has just been a lot of sleeping, watching TV and reading, which I guess does fall into that recovery category. Internally, however, things are beginning to shift again. I am feeling the need to get out of the house, not for purely social reasons, although those are important enough, but also for observational reasons. I need to be observing life–people, places and things–so that I can write. And I am writing again, oh, I guess that is an external change. It feels so internal to me that I don’t notice when words actually leave my head and get put on paper…well, on the computer screen. It is especially nice when they STAY on the screen after I put them there. Yes, I “lost” two hours of writing the other day, just gone to great abyss of…wherever that shit goes when it goes somewhere! The important fact here is that it is gone…bye-bye…see ya (NOT). That was the bad news. The other bad news is that I can’t just rewrite it, those words came once, not sure they will come again, although I will try. The good news, I spent yesterday setting up a new writing system (another external change)! So hopefully that won’t happen ever again. I hope. At least not this week. Or this month. Or this year.
So, I am excited about today because I get to spend it writing. I really hope the words come. If not it doesn’t matter. I have a new mantra…Keep My Butt In The Chair! I say it to myself a lot now. It is the only way that I am ever going to finish anything! It is the only way that anyone ever finishes anything. I know I don’t have a lot of stamina and I can’t stay in that chair for long, but I have to give it a try. You know, one hour of writing, two hours of napping, one hour of writing, two hours of napping, etc. That is about how life goes, no matter what I try to do. And somewhere I will slip in my “observation” time. It will happen. I just have to keep my motivation and my dream in front of me. And the other negative crap, self-defeating thoughts, in that great abyss of…
I am also finding that the balance is hard. The amount of time “required” being alone so that I can gather my thoughts so I am able put words together into a story, along with not being so isolated that I forget how to interact with people. It becomes easier and easier to become reclusive. I do miss laughing though! I find I don’t laugh anymore. I haven’t for a long time. And I miss it more and more. I realize now, that even when I find something funny, I have a hard time laughing at it. I wonder, is laughing a skill that one learns and forgets? Or is laughing something that, with enough pain, too difficult to bring back? Either way, I want it back! I love to laugh…or at least I used to! I used humor at work all the time, I was known for it and it worked! I do not know how to get it back, but I do know I am going to work at it.
It seems I’ve made a list for myself: Keep my butt in the chair; Make observation time; Keep my dream in front of me; Find the balance; Re-learn how to laugh again.
Okay, I’m exhausted just looking at the list! Is it nap time, yet?