Category Archives: My Kids

Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster

Once again, it has been it has been far too long.  I can honestly report that it is not because I’ve had nothing to say, just no time/energy to say it!  Just to catch every one up: Rudy, my Super Dooper Trooper is doing Wonderfully! He gave me another scare, and only one week ago I thought I was going to lose him.  Then, on Wednesday, 9/10, he had a “perfect” glucose level of 133! The vet and I agreed that we are going to wait one month before testing him again.  He’s been through enough tests and it’s time to just let him be for now.  Additionally, I have fallen twice in the past  two weeks, which has taken a toll on my body.  This may be the stress of everything causing a lack of coordination or just too much going on.  Either way it is taking a toll on my body!

Needless to say, dealing with this emotional roller coaster has left me fairly exhausted all the time.  I am still keeping up with the things I normally do, I am just not doing them at the same level.  I do think in the past day or two, I am starting to return to “normal,” whatever that is!  At least, I am feeling like I want to do something again!  I have begun to “study” writing, as I believe that to do something well, one must keep up on the skills of doing it.  In my case that means learning AND doing!  I have done that with just about everything I have ever done in my life and it has worked out well for me.  I just have to watch out for the tendency to get caught up in the learning and never get to the doing part!  Especially now that the doing is writing, which is very scary for me.  As I write those words, it seems very ironic that writing would be scarier than therapy! After all, therapy is, if done incorrectly, a far more dangerous enterprise. I mean, if I suck at writing, it is not detrimental to anyone’s life. (Except maybe my ego, but not my life.) Yet if I sucked at therapy, I could really screw someone’s life up. And I was not scared to walk into my office every day and see folks for therapy, in fact I enjoyed it.  So when I think of it that way, writing should be easy, right?  I think I will continue learning…

On that note, I just started reading a new book, entitled “Trying Not To Try” by Edward Slingerland.  It is based on the Chinese Philosophy of wu-wei, which is described as “an effortless way to go through life with spontaneity.”  It allegedly disputes all the thoughts about planning, reasoning and effort being needed for a happy life.  I am interested to find out more about the philosophy, especially since it fits into my theme of this year: “Just Be.”  Also, maybe it will help me be able to put words on paper; just write and stop trying so hard to make it perfect and planned out.  Which, of course, will probably go against everything I am learning about outlines, research and index cards!  That is what makes learning so much fun though…reading about all the different ways of doing things and putting them together to make the way that works for me!

After all, once I figure it out, I could write a book about it!

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My Super Dooper Trooper – Not Saying Goodbye Yet

So we went to the vet yesterday to check on kidney functioning and glucose levels.  My Rudy is amazing!  His kidneys are now functioning within NORMAL RANGE and his glucose level has dropped 200 points!  While it is still way high (450) at least it is headed in the correct direction! The vet is pleased and said that we are not out of the woods just yet, but we are definitely headed in the right direction.

Of course, I wanted to take him out for breakfast to celebrate-or at least for a walk in the park.  Instead I brought him home to his “special food” and his insulin shot.  Poor guy, he’s worked so hard to get his levels in check and he can’t even have a treat to celebrate!  (It got way to hot to go for a way later in the day.)  And I think he was just so happy not to be at the vet’s office that he was okay with coming home.

I am now cautiously optimistic that he will be okay for a while longer.  My emotions have been all over the place and I am sure they will continue to be.  I know this is not the important part, Rudy is. It has been a roller coaster, though; maybe for him too.  I just feel very lucky to have more time to spend with my Begga-boy!  It doesn’t happen very often that we get that “little more time,” or that “one more day,”  that we so often ask for when it is too late.  Now it is my challenge not to waste the gift I have been given, but to make the very most of it I can!  I hope I am up to that challenge.

I also want to thank everyone in the virtual world who gave Rudy and me support and prayers, they made all the difference!  Without my virtual friends my days would have been much harder.  I am blessed in so many ways.

Now I must return to Rudy who is asking for something…probably a treat that he can no longer have…

How Do I Say Goodbye to My Boy?

I know I haven’t written a new post for a while and I haven’t been reading or commenting on many blogs either. I have been very preoccupied and with good reason. My oldest fur-kid, Rudy, isn’t doing very well. He has diabetes and it has gone out of control. Last weekend he started having a lot of symptoms that pointed to high blood sugar levels. When I took him to the vet, the number was 653 (normal is around 100). In addition, his kidneys have been “compromised.” Not Good. I thought that I had lost him at that point and was trying to emotionally prepare myself, as if one can do that. The vet gave me a little hope by changing his diet. Although he told me not to buy any more insulin, he would give me some as I only have enough for about a week. When I asked how long before we would know if the diet was working, he said, “a week or two.” So, that means I could only have a week or two left with my boy.  IMG_0551

When I think back on the 12 years we have had together, there have been so many good times! He has been my “Beggaboy,” my “Ruddabegga.” He has helped me through some very dark times in my life and been there for me when no one else has. He has made it through three moves and has hung in there with me through numerous relationships (despite trying to tell me that one in particular was disastrous for us!) He has stuck by me despite my bringing two puppies into our lives and one very abused adult dog. He really doesn’t like puppies! And no matter what I threw at him, he has smiled through it all and continues as my boy; “da man of da house!” Someone said to me: “Yeah the little buggers break your heart when they leave you.” My response: “Yeah they do, but I wouldn’t trade the last 12 years with him for anything.”

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How do say goodbye? I have no idea. I know that I will have to. I don’t know if it will be this week or next or maybe I will have more time with him. In any case, I know that the time is coming faster than I want it to. Until then, I will love him and spend ALL my time with him. I will stay by his side and have no regrets about not being with him. I will not let him suffer. I will not make him stay when his quality of life is gone, for that would be selfish on my part. I do not want that for him. Hell, I don’t want that for me! For there is no greater love than what a dog has for his human, and Rudy has loved me far better than I could ever have loved him. Now it is my turn to fix that, I will not let him down. I will love him as he has loved me.

Even though it will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do, when it is time I will say goodbye. I will hold him in my arms so that he knows he I love him as he takes his last breath. And I will keep him in my heart always. For that is what he would do for me. It is what he has done for me.

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Friday’s Fears

It has been too long since I have posted.  I know this, not because of the date, but because my head is exploding with words.  It seems that the only times I have a lot to say are the times I have little time to write.  While the times I have a lot of time to write are the times I feel I have little to say.  I believe that is fear, my friends.  So, today I am taking the time to write and hoping that I am ready for the company that is coming in 70 minutes.  No, I am not showered or dressed yet, so I will have to type rather quickly!

I am back in my funk.  That bicycle I bought July 4th has left my garage three times and one was to go to the bike shop to be repaired.  So I have only been on it twice.  Okay, so I’ve had a double ear infection like forever and the doctor said riding it might not be good, and I have had trouble just keeping my balance while walking, but this would not have stopped me in the past.  So is my common sense getting better or am I just becoming too compliant? I hate being compliant!

The weather here has been perfect, 70’s and low humidity.  We have set records for cool weather in July!  I have slept.  In the house with the windows open at least, but I have slept.  Of course, I found out this has contributed to the double ear infection problem, so now I am sleeping with the windows closed and the air-conditioning on while the weather outside is perfect.  And the kicker:  I am 53 years old and I may need to get tubes in my ears…I think I am a little young to be going through my second childhood!  Don’t little kids get these when they are like 3? I’m no expert on these things, I didn’t have kids and dogs generally don’t get tubes in their ears!

Speaking of dogs, my youngest, and some would say my favorite, Willie (Princess Wilhelmina) has now been diagnosed with allergies and is taking daily medicine.  She is also eating a lot. She is supposed to be a mini doxie, but I am unsure how long we will be keeping the mini part.  I’ve already started the diet; I did that the day I started the medicine and we went to the park for a walk before we started the medicine.  I am very familiar with steroids.  I started them the day before.  I did not do the diet or the walk for myself, however.  I’ve always been better at taking care of others.  I did begin to be more careful with my diet last night, right after I ate the candy bar and the cookies.  I did not eat them in front of Willie, though, so that counts, right?  Today, I am hoping to go back to the park with Willie and might even take my oldest, Rudy, who is diabetic. (I didn’t eat the candy bar or cookies in front of him either.)  Of course that would leave the middle child at home by herself, which would increase my guilt significantly.  This usually means we all stay home.  And sleep.

My other project for today is to “let go” of my former life.  In my previous life I was a mental health therapist.  I was very good at what I did and I believe I helped a lot of people.  This illness has removed my ability to do that work anymore.  I could never handle the stress, the hours and the mental acuity required.  I no longer have the memory that is needed.  That all sucks and makes me extremely sad.  So I have decided not to look at all the books I have that related to my former life.  It is time to give them to someone who can use them.  I have no idea who that is, but maybe my local library does.  So I will start there.  Today a friend will help me box them up and I will deliver them next week.  In addition, I am going to make my “office” at home more of a “studio” where I can be more creative.  Now, it looks like an office, very practical and business like.  I am not business like any more.  Now I am all over the place, I “flit” and that’s okay.  I want to be comfy when I create, not sit at a desk in a desk chair that hurts my body.  So that needs to change.  And today is the day it begins.  It will be a fun project.  I will start with cleaning out the space, so I know what I need/want.  Then I can hit the thrift stores to see what I can find.  What an adventure! Kind of exciting, getting to create a new space in which to create. I am a writer now: maybe not an author (yet), but a writer.  That is my new profession and I am very grateful that I have it.  If I can ever get past the fear of putting the words on the paper!

 

 

Monday Morning Musings

I haven’t been able to “write” here lately because of my clumsy, accident-prone self.  I didn’t quite make that four-inch step coming into my garage, so the door trapped my foot, took off my shoe and decided I should take a nice hard fall to the concrete floor…with both hands full, of course.  I was having such a fun time, too!

My three kids watching a video!

My three kids watching a video!

My three fur-babies very generously graced me with flowers and potting soil for Mother’s Day, so I was planting them in hanging baskets and planters, so I could display them for the summer.  I was just finishing up, when I took the nose dive into the concrete floor.  I guessing it was a good thing I was almost done! Of course, the plant I was carrying at the time did not fare so well…although while I was laying on the concrete, I did put the soil and the plant back into the now-cracked pot.  I figured I couldn’t get up right away, so I might as well do something useful!  I also assessed my “body” for any damage while I layer there.  It seemed my knee took the brunt of the fall, as I couldn’t use my hands to help.  At least it was the same knee that has already had four surgeries, I thought as I laid there.  As I slowly got up, I realized I was correct, the knee hurt A LOT!  But I looked outside an all the plants I had loving re-potted were sitting in the hot sun and had not been watered yet.  Yep, I watered them, hung them in the shade and cleaned up my mess THEN, I headed for the shower and the ice pack.  It was in the shower that I discovered that my right hand got messed up too.  Hence, I could not write or type!  It is still sore and hurts after use, however I wanted to write, so here it is. It has been over a week now and while I am feeling better, I know that it is not healed.  I did get x-rays and nothing is broken, Yay!  Of course, they say soft tissue damage, which could be worse than a break, but not in my house!

Of course the stress of all of this has made the Psoriatic Arthritis, Psoriasis, and Rheumatoid Arthritis act up like crazy, which helps nothing.  However, I am blessed to have great nephews who help me out with my yard work and other stuff.  And I have friends who will bring me lunch or cook dinner when I can’t, which is also a blessing!  I hope they all realize how grateful I am to and for them.  I have struggled with relationships since moving home, and I am now at a place where I am learning to just accept everyone where they are.  While this is not always easy, and I am always learning, I am getting better at it.  I am absolutely positive that it has not always been easy for everyone to accept me either!

I realized that writing here is a great stress reducer!  I have found that the ‘sphere is a loving and supportive place.  Bloggers, at least the ones that I have met, are accepting and helping.  I know that I am very new at blogging, and I have not met a lot of people, but my life has never been about quantity; it has always been about quality.  And in that way, I have also been blessed and I have much gratitude for the people in my life I trust.  I digress, again!

Writing is a passion.  It is something that if not done, will fester inside until it becomes so painful that when touched, it just explodes.  I find that this is how it is with me.  I have developed a need to write.  Before it was a desire, a want, a something I’d like to do; but now it is something much , much larger.  It is a passion, a driving force.  I find that on days that I am pulled away from my writing, I am becoming resentful.  Not that I don’t want to do the things that are pulling me away, just that I want to write, too!  It is all about balance.  And if I didn’t wear out easily, become so tired and go into the brain fog that comes with these auto-immune dis-eases, I could balance these things much more easily.

I have a passion, I am blessed.  And I am grateful.

I have a goal, I am blessed.  And I am grateful.

I have the tools, I am blessed. And I am grateful.

I have loving support, I am blessed.  And I am grateful.

I have the ability, I am blessed. And I am grateful.

Now to get on with it…

Gratitude and My Kids

I have decided that I am not a prolific writer.   I am a prolific thinker.  Now I just need to be able to turn that into written words! Not that every thought I have is worthy to be written, far from it!  Most I would be embarrassed to share.  You know the ones; why did they put that stupid show on TV?;  can’t that person drive their car faster than 15 MPH?;  Do you really have to get up at 6 AM to go outside?  But now I do want to share my thoughts.

The window in front of my desk faces east and there is the most gorgeous sunrise this morning!  (If I didn’t have a big utility pole with a transformer on it I would take a picture and shared it with you.)  It is red and pink and orange, like fire rising from the dark horizon.  It meets dark clouds that won’t let its light through, yet it powers on, never ceasing, until it wins. It has given all the clouds light, just on the underside, so they are pink and orange bursts of cotton candy floating in the sky.  Isn’t mother nature grand!  The sunset was much the same last night, although I couldn’t get a picture of it either!

What this made me think of is gratitude!  All the “things”in life I am so very grateful for, that I hold dear in my heart.  None of them are things, unless they represent some other intangible “thing.”  Like my house, I am very grateful for my house, as it gives me a safe , warm, dry place to be. And my car, because it allows to get to where I need to be, whether that be with friends, family, doctors or whomever.  But the “things” I am really grateful for are not things, they are people.  Like my wonderful friends in St. Louis, with out whom I would literally not survive!  My great friends in Quincy, both new and old, who have given me support and love.  My family, some of whom have been by my side through everything.  And my kids, without whom I would never have survived everything, everyday!

I have three furry, four legged kids, who are the center of my world!  You know the saying “Love me, Love my dogs,” well, I might take that to extremes!  The oldest is Rudy and he is “Da Man” of the house.  He found me at the Humane Society when he was 9 months old!  I was very lucky!  He is almost 12 and has diabetes, which I think I am finally getting under control.  He is a good boy, very loving and mostly well-behaved.  Any behavior problems he has is strictly my fault; he needs more exercise, which I can’t give him.  That would just about be it!IMG_0893

Then there is Alli, who is the “middle child” and is almost 9.  She is a beagle, might be full and might be a mix.  She was  a Humane Society rescue also.  I’m not sure who found who with Alli.  I think I felt very, very sorry for her.  She had been there over a year and no one was interested because she is…weird.  She has so many funky behaviors that she drives me nuts sometimes, but I have to remind myself how abused she was and how scared she was before she came to live with me.  She didn’t walk across the floor, she crawled on her belly.  Now she runs and barks and barks and barks and barks…  You get the picture!

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Last, but certainly not least, is Willie. The Princess.  The Ruler of the House.  She is going on 6 and is a Mini-Doxie.  She is also very stubborn, wants her own way, thinks every toy in the house is hers and is generally obnoxious!  She is also my baby.  That about says it all doesn’t it.  Yes, the baby of the family does seem to get away with more, or at the very least, gets more coddling.  I try to give them all the same things…if one gets a treat all do, if one gets a new toy, all do, etc.  She is little though, so she spends more time on my lap because she fits.  She also sleeps under the covers next to me, because she fits and because Rudy won’t!  My friends get on me because I spend too much time loving on her and not enough on the other two, so I have tried to be more fair about this.  I suck at it! I do keep trying though.

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See, a face you can’t resist!  Okay, they ALL have faces you can’t resist!  At least I can’t!  Of course, I can’t resist any puppy’s face. And yes, they are all puppies to me, no matter how old they get!

So there is my gratitude list: My Kids, My Friends, My Family, My House, My Car, Sunrises, Sunsets and I know there are Hundreds of Others that go on the list! But that will be another post for another day, when I am thinking of them.