Category Archives: Just BE

Soon it will be…2015

End of the Year Musings

I’ve usually spent the end of the year doing inventory, as if my life were a warehouse of goods that needed to be categorized and labeled, so I could show others all that was there. Now, however, I realize that I needed to have them counted, so I could prove to myself that I had them there. It was as if I was not a whole person, or a good-enough person, unless my warehouse was overflowing with the “good-enough’s.” Of course, considering that I have been unable to work for over 3 years, and a lot of my self-worth was on my work, my warehouse was getting very empty. Like any other fractured human, at least this is what I like to tell myself, I tried to fill it with all types of other things. Despite all of my attempts, nothing really worked. I always felt empty, alone and lost.  My inventory method was falling shorter and shorter each year, as my way of measuring up to my own standard no longer existed. (One would think I would have figured out this was going to happen and I did, I’m just not too quick on the change factor!)  Recently there has been a shift…yes, a change can happen, it just takes a while…a long while…a  long, long while….

I am not doing inventory this year, however, as I do not see a need.  I know what happened and I know what did not happen.  I know what I accomplished and what I wish I would have.  I am aware of all the ways that I want to do things differently, so I see no need to go back and “dig them all out again.”  I also do not see a need to make any New Year’s Resolutions…I do not see any value in them.  I have made them, broken them, beat my self up about breaking them, made new ones, broke those and felt like a failure, all by midnight on January 1st.  Not doing that again!

I did have a theme for 2014…JUST BE…and although I think it took about eleven and a half months for me to get there, I do think I have learned to just be.  I love my solitude, perhaps too much…no, that’s like too much fun, just can’t happen.  I am content.  I have what I need and I am very fortunate.  I was able to give during the holidays in ways I never thought I’d be able to again.  That has made me very happy.  And I have no expectations of anyone else.  I do not want or need anything.  I have been so blessed to be able to Just Be!

So, as I look forward to 2015, I am sure I will find another theme that fits.  At the moment, it feels that   it will be more action-oriented; the time for sitting and reflecting may be done.  That is okay though, I believe I am ready for the challenge!

So Happy New Year Everyone! I hope that you find your inspirations in the New Year!  And before I go, I do want to thank all of you in the blogosphere for all the inspiration that you have  given to me this year.  Your love and encouragement has kept me going, even during my “absences” from posting… Thank You All

 

 

Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster

Once again, it has been it has been far too long.  I can honestly report that it is not because I’ve had nothing to say, just no time/energy to say it!  Just to catch every one up: Rudy, my Super Dooper Trooper is doing Wonderfully! He gave me another scare, and only one week ago I thought I was going to lose him.  Then, on Wednesday, 9/10, he had a “perfect” glucose level of 133! The vet and I agreed that we are going to wait one month before testing him again.  He’s been through enough tests and it’s time to just let him be for now.  Additionally, I have fallen twice in the past  two weeks, which has taken a toll on my body.  This may be the stress of everything causing a lack of coordination or just too much going on.  Either way it is taking a toll on my body!

Needless to say, dealing with this emotional roller coaster has left me fairly exhausted all the time.  I am still keeping up with the things I normally do, I am just not doing them at the same level.  I do think in the past day or two, I am starting to return to “normal,” whatever that is!  At least, I am feeling like I want to do something again!  I have begun to “study” writing, as I believe that to do something well, one must keep up on the skills of doing it.  In my case that means learning AND doing!  I have done that with just about everything I have ever done in my life and it has worked out well for me.  I just have to watch out for the tendency to get caught up in the learning and never get to the doing part!  Especially now that the doing is writing, which is very scary for me.  As I write those words, it seems very ironic that writing would be scarier than therapy! After all, therapy is, if done incorrectly, a far more dangerous enterprise. I mean, if I suck at writing, it is not detrimental to anyone’s life. (Except maybe my ego, but not my life.) Yet if I sucked at therapy, I could really screw someone’s life up. And I was not scared to walk into my office every day and see folks for therapy, in fact I enjoyed it.  So when I think of it that way, writing should be easy, right?  I think I will continue learning…

On that note, I just started reading a new book, entitled “Trying Not To Try” by Edward Slingerland.  It is based on the Chinese Philosophy of wu-wei, which is described as “an effortless way to go through life with spontaneity.”  It allegedly disputes all the thoughts about planning, reasoning and effort being needed for a happy life.  I am interested to find out more about the philosophy, especially since it fits into my theme of this year: “Just Be.”  Also, maybe it will help me be able to put words on paper; just write and stop trying so hard to make it perfect and planned out.  Which, of course, will probably go against everything I am learning about outlines, research and index cards!  That is what makes learning so much fun though…reading about all the different ways of doing things and putting them together to make the way that works for me!

After all, once I figure it out, I could write a book about it!

Getting Back on My Path to “Just Be”

I admit the past week has been a bit “rough” on my theme of the year.  I have struggled to “Just Be.”  One of those “things” happened that just hits you in the gut and leaves you looking around saying “what the hell; where in the hell did that come from; and did that really just happen?”  We’ve all had them, I know I’ve had them more than once.  This one isn’t random and is personal.  It has hurt me in ways I thought I had shut down years ago.  Guess not.  I still don’t want to, even now.  I can’t go into details, as it would causer even more shit problems.  Let’s just say that I was accused, since I was never given a chance to discuss anything, of saying things I did not say and attempting to break up relationships that are very important to me.  And it was done by someone I felt I was close to and could trust.  There be the kicker.  I don’t care so much about being accused of saying things I didn’t say, we all get that, all the time.  However, breaking up relationships that are important to me, by this person, is incredulous.

Needless to say, my ability to “Just Be” through out this has not been stalwart.  I have been angry, sad and hurt.  I have retreated and haven’t been able to reach out my support systems.  I allowed this person to access my self-esteem, despite my brain telling me repeatedly, that what  is being said is false and is a reflection on them, NOT on me.  I have been able to use my brain to be rational about the entire situation.  I have NOT been able to reconcile my emotions.  They are just not there.  Oh, there have been glimpses when my emotions and my brain are in sync.  Like now.  I just never know how long this will last.  But the ability to “Just Be” and let whatever happen’ that has not even occurred to me, at least, until I opened my blog this morning.

Something in me clicked when I read Holistic Wayfarer’s comment about Lessons of My Tree-Part 2. (And that you for that!) I realized how far away I have traveled from my path. In just an instant!  I realized that we are all given moments that will lead us away from or to we are going.  We just have to decide which we want to notice.  We have to make choices everyday of staying true to our Self or going down different path.  I read so often about people trying to “find their way,” and I believe that this is all we are all trying to do.  Find our way to lead a “better” life: for some that is in the now, for others it is about an afterlife and some are trying to live better now for their next life.  Whatever the reason, we all have a path to follow. The problem is when one person decides that another person cannot be “allowed” to live their path. So they interfere.  Whether that be globally, nationally, or individually; taking away someone’s choice to live the life they have chosen results in conflict, of not allowing someone to follow their path.

So as I reflect today about my path and my desire to “Just Be,” I realize that I cannot change anything or anyone but me.  My response, my attitude and my behavior is all I have control over  (at least on a good day).  So for today, I will “Just Be.”  I will take things as they come and let them go.  I will learn what I can and be the best that I can.  I won’t always get it right, at least I have learned that much.  I will do the best that I can in that moment, though.  I will do better than I did yesterday, for I am different today; I have learned something, just as I do everyday!

One of my favorite quotes is from Mr. Rogers, and I need to remember it more often:

 “It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood!”

It WILL be in mine and, I WISH for you that it is in yours!

Lessons of My Tree – Part 2

Spring has finally arrived!  I, like so many, am ready for the warmer temperatures and the end to the seemingly endless snowfall we have had this past winter.  I am ready to spend time outside: basking in the glorious sunshine; breathing in fresh, clean air; listening to wonderful sounds of all of Nature’s glory; and, sitting in the shade of my tree!  Yes, you heard correctly, the shade of my TREE!!!!  For those of you who haven’t read my earlier blog about my tree, please do so now, as this won’t make a lot of sense otherwise.  (   )   When I went out to fill the bird feeder earlier this week, I was very happy to see buds on the tree branches.  I went over to my tree and gave her a big hug and thanked her for hanging in there with me.  I swear I heard a sigh.  And I felt her strength.  And I’ve hugged her each day since then; and she has given me strength each day since then.  I hope I’ve given her some too.  I don’t want to take all of her strength, as I want my tree to live and to thrive; I want the “tree man” who looked at her and said she was dying to be wrong.  I want to heal her and help her to live.  And she has.

She survived the “polar vortex,”  not just once, but many times this past winter.  She stood strong against the cold and piercing winds that shook her branches.  She maintained her strength when the ice and snow clung to her and froze her over and over and over.  She clung to life and has been able to show the “polar vortex” that she is stronger than its cold wind, ice and snow.  She is a pillar of strength of what is good and just in this world.  She asks for so little, just water and air, and she gives much in return: strength, oxygen, beauty, grace, shade, healing, etc. And even through her own suffering and pain, she continues to give out all that she can, all that she knows she must, as she knows, innately, what her purpose is on the earth. And she honors that purpose.

I have spent so many years searching for the purpose to my life.  I am not sure that I have found it, however, I do think that whatever I came here to do, I have either done or it will find me, as long as I am open to it.  Maybe I am tired of searching.  Maybe I feel like searching is taking up too much of the time I could be living.  Recently, I’ve spent more time wondering what my “legacy” will be, or if I want one. I do not have children, not human ones at least, so there will be no descendants.  My fur kids are spayed or neutered, so none there either (bet most of you didn’t think of your fur-kids as descendants!)  And, considering my cultural background,  descendants is where it’s at.  My parents worked hard, saved a lot and left us, their children a tidy sum when they died.  I will not have children to pass things down to, but I will keep my parent’s things in the family; I’m big on stuff like that.  I’ve taken a financial beating to keep stuff “in the family.”   But I digress.  Again, I wonder what will be my legacy?  Will I leave any mark that I have been on this earth?  Is that even important?  I am not sure what the answers to these questions are at this point, but I am beginning to realize that my tree may hold the answers for me.

My tree’s purpose is clear: to give the earth oxygen, beauty, shade, nutrients, healing, etc.  She has, probably, never questioned her purpose on this earth since was a little sapling.  She has always, probably, known what she was born to do and she has done it with grace and strength, the way she innately knew how to do it.  So, what can she teach me about her legacy?  After all, she has no saplings that I know of;  I never let those little maple “whirligigs” grow; you know, the ones that clog your gutters and get everywhere every spring! (Although I might try to grow a few this spring, just to see what happens, you know.)

So what will she “leave behind?”  For one, there will be an enormous hole in my life.  She will not be there to wake up to each morning or to say goodnight to each evening.  I will not be able to converse with her and gain strength and wisdom from her.  The shade won’t be there in the summer and the birds will not have a place for their feeder to hang in the winter.  Her beauty will be missed by all, as many comment about how much they love my tree.  My neighbor has even asked the “tree man” how to save her; she is very loved!  There will be less oxygen to breathe because my tree is gone, although I am not sure that will be one of the things that is thought of at the time.  And I know a myriad of other ways that she will leave her mark on this world that I that escapes me. What strikes me as I write this is that once I am gone, either by moving or death, the memory of my tree will be gone also.  But I think that is the way it happens with people, too.  My parents are remembered by their children and grandchildren; but their great-grandchildren never knew them and, so, the knowledge of who they were as people, will die.  Yes, there is a tombstone for genealogists or family who want to know, but they will never really know, they can’t.  Just as no one can really know my tree.

Once again, my tree all ties everything together. My tree’s purpose is to “Just Be” and by doing so provides those that love her with the gifts that they need.  Once again, she is showing me the way, as my theme for the year is to “Just Be.”  Hopefully by doing so, I can give someone else a gift that they need.  Her legacy?  Well, I guess that is yet to be determined, as is mine, but she is teaching me…

 

Expectations and Arthritis

I like to ponder. Today’s ponder: Why can I not “Just Be,” live in the moment and let go of expectations?  It seems no matter how hard I try, I continue to have expectations of myself, other people, situations, and even of the weather. And sometimes my expectations are met and sometimes far exceeded. And there are other times, like today, that they will be let down once again. It’s just a silly little thing, a walk in the park with the dogs and some friends that won’t be able to happen because of the weather and how it affects the joints when one has arthritis. It doesn’t seem to matter what kind of arthritis, just arthritis. Yesterday, It was 50° and sunny, tomorrow the forecast is for 50° and sunny, And yet today it is in the 30s with clouds and a chance of rain and snow. What that does to the joints just amazes me. And no matter how I try to ignore it, tell it to go away or take pain meds to mask it, it just stays with me. And I hate, HATE complaining! Those who know me well can see it in my eyes even when I try to smile through it so as not to ruin the party or anyone else’s good time, so I try real hard to just be alone if the pain gets too bad. But today that won’t work, as you see I have friends coming in town and I’d planned on having time to take all the dogs, my three and their one, to the park for a walk. Then come back relax, laugh and enjoy. So now, I need to figure out a way to make at least the second part happen despite the pain. And I can do that, I just get so tired sometimes of having to work so hard at it!

And on another subject, also related to joint and arthritis pain and expectations, I have discovered that my Dragon Dictation no longer works with the new update of the Mac operating system. Now that’s not really good news, however I did discover that Mac has its own dictating program built in to its operating system! One has to be careful as I found out if you choose the wrong option, everything you say AND your contact list will be sent to Apple for them to translate to text and then sent back to you (they also store all your information). I just don’t think Apple should have all of my information, so I chose not to do that. I am finding as I dictate this, that I will have a lot of cleanup to do, which I did not have to do with Dragon Dictation. So I’m going to test it out and see if it will be worth it to use the dictation program. If it is, it will help with my writing quite a bit, as typing is one reason why I don’t write as often as I’d like. It is kind of amazing as I look at the word count. I usually have a hard time typing this many words but I don’t seem to have any trouble speaking this many words, does that mean I talk too much? Nah, couldn’t be! If you could see all the mistakes that the dictation is making this would be a very comical post! However, the OCD part of me would never let this post go out the way it is currently displayed. So I will fix it, after all I am a fixer! Another fun thing about having rheumatoid arthritis, the things that you can fix become less and less and your frustration about that becomes greater and greater. 

So I’m not really sure how I will plan my day for friends to spend time, but I’m sure that we will figure it out and have fun. For that is what it is truly about! It doesn’t really matter what you do; it really matters that you’re together, that you care and that you’re willing to take the time to be there. So that is really what today is about: not the activity, not the food, not the drink; just the friendship, the being there.  Oh yeah…there is that theme of the year thing...Just Be...so I won’t plan my day…I’ll just let it BE!

PS: (Can you have a PS in a blog…well I am, so I guess I can.)  It didn’t take me that long to edit, so it may be worth it. Not sure it will be though if I am writing a lot, like working on the book I am writing.  It would take too much time editing all the capital letters in the wrong places, the words it didn’t translate correctly, like “lettuce” for “let us,” and it kept putting “Matt” in for all kinds of words!  Guess it’s time to call my nephew, Matt! LOL

Sometimes You Just Have to Admit it Sucks

As I am sitting here this morning, I am wondering why I give myself such large challenges.  I chose my “Theme of the Year” to “Just Be.”  To me that implies, giving up the stress, the worries, the fear, the longing, the “I’m not good enough’s,”  the “what ifs.”  That list could go on and on and on, so I will just leave it there, you get the picture.  I really am working on most of them and doing fairly well…but that stress and worry thing, that is a B***H!!!   It is hard not to worry and to eliminate stress when an event that will impact the rest of your life is before you.  I don’t often have events like this in my life.  Usually, I can eliminate them immediately by using “will this matter in a month, a year, 5 years?”  In this case, the answer to all three is a resounding YES!  So, how does one reduce the stress and worry about something that will have an effect on their life for a long time to come?  I am not sure I have the answer to that question, as I have been trying all sorts of things to no avail.  Distraction is always my go-to! It works for pain and depression, to a point that makes both manageable for me.  But now, it has been less than effective.  I do not seem to be able to concentrate on anything…it has taken me five days to get back to finishing this short post!  Nor can I meditate, as I can not stop my brain, although I do not know where it is going.  I do seem to be able to sleep–during the day.  At night, that luxury escapes me, even when I force myself to skip the daytime naps.  So, no, I am not coping well.  Or maybe I should just say I am not coping as well as I want to cope!  I am coping.  I have not done anything “foolish,”  like shopping with money I don’t have.  That would be my go to temporary feel-good.  I am breaking that pattern, or I should say I have broken it…the one good thing that has come out of this journey.  I have learned what is truly important in life; and I am learning, usually the hard way, whom I can trust to provide it!

I have two more days to wait until this event is over.  Of course, there will be no outcome that day. Or in the days after that.  It will take weeks.  More waiting.  The second lesson I am learning here.  Patience.  Waiting. To “Just Be.”