So much for my “Just Be” theme of the year.
I think the Universe is giving a me Giant Push which is getting stronger and stronger. I, of course, have not recognized it until now. I am a bit slow in these things. I tend to be the complacent type–no that’s not right either. I am the one who gets really excited about doing something, so I get all kinds of “stuff” so I can start it; which I do, then I quit and everything just sits there. I then kick myself for spending bunch of money for something I am once again not using; starting and quitting something again; and, feeling like I am never going to accomplish anything. My next move, you ask? I hit the couch, turn on the “I don;t have to think about it” electronic box, pull out the electronic game pad so I really don’t have to think and I can zone out for days.
Of course, that is not the only reason for this lay on the couch behavior. Usually it is because of the pain being bad enough that I just can’t function that day. Sometimes it is because the depression has taken over and I just don’t care that day. And sometimes it is because I am running away from feeling as if I give up on the things I want to do, without ever really trying to do them. I’ve never thought of myself as a quitter before, at least not until I began writing the last sentence. I really don’t like it. Feels quite yucky, for lack of a better term. Wow, I have to change that one.
One thing that I have not quit and will not give up on is writing. A couple of weeks ago I was away from home and did not have any information about the book I have been working on with me, but I did have my laptop with me. So, I started typing about my life, thinking it would be more cathartic than anything. I really didn’t intend for it to turn into anything I would ever consider publishing. It seems that the Universe may have other plans. The most interesting ideas about my writing comes to me around 1:30 AM, so I have learned to keep a notebook, flashlight, pencil and my phone (it takes dictation) next to my bed every night. Last week, I “received” information about what I thought was my cathartic writing. I really don’t want to go into all the details here, but the title I was “given” was “The Consequence of Fear.” I then “received” reminders of all the things I didn’t do in my life, that I wanted to do, because I was too afraid to do them. The list was much longer than I remembered. It was also very sad.
Choices. I have had many to make and I don’t think I’ve always done such a good job at making them. I know: I did what I did and I can’t change anything. I’ve learned from the decisions I’ve made and there is no use in looking backwards. Except, to use what I see to make different choices now. To overcome the fear when given the opportunity to make a choice. To do something different. To step outside of my comfort zone and do things differently. To work on that Bucket List! It is now or never, I suppose. After all, “You have to have some fun every day, who knows if you will even have tomorrow.” This is a statement made by my great-niece recently, that has resonated with me ever since she said it. She is wise beyond her years!
Getting back to that Giant Push I am feeling. Things are changing, shifting in my life. I feel disconnected from people I know, like I am being told “it’s time to get out there and do new things, meet new people.” This is really tough for an introvert, especially one who has isolated herself for the past three years. I also have to be cognizant of my health concerns, financial concerns and physical abilities. Of course, I also have to be aware of using these as excuses too. They have been a convenient way to explain away my isolation. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to get ill. I was exposed to pneumonia in May; I got it the first of June and I am still dealing with the effects of it at the end of July. Health issues are a valid concern. Yet the Push is getting stronger, no doubt about it. Soon it will not be something I can ignore. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. I want to do some of those things that I have avoided. It all comes down to the choice–let the fear rule or overcome it!