External vs Internal: Does It Really Matter?

There have not been many external events happening recently, unless you count the illness stuff and I really don’t want to.  Or you count the recovery from illness, which is a bit better to focus on, I guess.  Other than that there has just been a lot of sleeping, watching TV and reading, which I guess does fall into that recovery category.  Internally, however, things are beginning to shift again.  I am feeling the need to get out of the house, not for purely social reasons, although those are important enough, but also for observational reasons.  I need to be observing life–people, places and things–so that I can write.  And I am writing again, oh, I guess that is an external change.  It feels so internal to me that I don’t notice when words actually leave my head and get put on paper…well, on the computer screen.  It is especially nice when they STAY on the screen after I put them there.  Yes, I “lost” two hours of writing the other day, just gone to great abyss of…wherever that shit goes when it goes somewhere!  The important fact here is that it is gone…bye-bye…see ya (NOT).  That was the bad news.  The other bad news is that I can’t just rewrite it, those words came once, not sure they will come again, although I will try.  The good news, I spent yesterday setting up a new writing system (another external change)! So hopefully that won’t happen ever again.  I hope.  At least not this week.  Or this month.  Or this year.

So, I am excited about today because I get to spend it writing.  I really hope the words come.  If not it doesn’t matter.  I have a new mantra…Keep My Butt In The Chair! I say it to myself a lot now.  It is the only way that I am ever going to finish anything! It is the only way that anyone ever finishes anything.  I know I don’t have a lot of stamina and I can’t stay in that chair for long, but I have to give it a try.  You know, one hour of writing, two hours of napping, one hour of writing, two hours of napping, etc.  That is about how life goes, no matter what I try to do.  And somewhere I will slip in my “observation” time.  It will happen.  I just have to keep my motivation and my dream in front of me.  And the other negative crap, self-defeating thoughts, in that great abyss of…

I am also finding that the balance is hard.  The amount of time “required” being alone so that I can gather my thoughts so I am able put words together into a story, along with not being so isolated that I forget how to interact with people.  It becomes easier and easier to become reclusive.  I do miss laughing though!  I find I don’t laugh anymore.  I haven’t for a long time.  And I miss it more and more.  I realize now, that even when I find something funny, I have a hard time laughing at it.  I wonder, is laughing a skill that one learns and forgets?  Or is laughing something that, with enough pain, too difficult to bring back?  Either way, I want it back!  I love to laugh…or at least I used to!  I used humor at work all the time, I was known for it and it worked! I do not know how to get it back, but I do know I am going to work at it.

It seems I’ve made a list for myself:  Keep my butt in the chair; Make observation time; Keep my dream in front of me; Find the balance; Re-learn how to laugh again.

Okay, I’m exhausted just looking at the list!   Is it nap time, yet?


7 thoughts on “External vs Internal: Does It Really Matter?

  1. Holistic Wayfarer

    I actually can relate in my own uber-busy-homeschooling way. Balance is an impossible dictum in my life. I see the challenge it is for you to juggle the writing/thinking with your physical needs. Your closing said it all. And to answer you…yes, sleep when you must.



    1. praw27 Post author

      Thanks Diana, I always value your support! I am sure that balance is difficult for you with all that you do, yet you find the time to do it all. I am impressed! I am working on achieving that. It seems that sleeping often wins for me, even when I don’t want it to; it ha sa way of just taking over! Peace and Blessings to you Diana, Phyl


      1. Holistic Wayfarer

        Please don’t be impressed. I don’t remember the last time I actually folded the laundry. And you really need the zzzs to be able to handle everything else, as you know. Gotta listen to your body. Everyone has his, her own normal.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. momfawn

    Perhaps for now just venture out as far as a nearby garden or park, rather than to a shopping mall. I find interacting with plants or critters is more manageable than taking on groups of people. Baby steps do work…and the laughter will come again. In my own mess of a garden it is the blue jay who comes and makes me giggle…he is so all about himself, and just knows he is the most wonderful creature there. He struts, preens, and swoops from tree to tree just to show off, and I go from talking quietly with him to laughing out loud.

    I am glad you are writing again, and am pleased each time I see that you have visited Triggers Horse. Take care – Fawn


    1. praw27 Post author

      Thanks, Fawn. I enjoy Triggers Horse and look forward to your posts/adventures. I hate; that is a strong word, yet not too strand here, shopping malls and couldn’t even tell you the last time I was in one! LOL I do love parks and fields and streams, quiet places. I am currently “conversing” with a hummingbird in my backyard, and yes, s/he is very fun! Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m honored. Phyl



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