Monthly Archives: July 2014

How Humbling -100 Bloggers Following Me!

When I started this blog, I thought 100 people, whom I did not know, reading my blog would be quite amazing! And now that I have reached 100 followers, I have found that I am in awe that there are 100 people, whom I know only through this medium, that have read my words and feel that they are worth reading again, and again.  That truly amazes me and astounds me.

I would assume that each and every blogger wishes that they had thousands of other bloggers reading their words every time they hit the publish button, and in a sense I would be no different.  I would, however, rather have the people who do read my blog really enjoy it and have it mean something to them.

I have been thinking I need to publish more frequently and bring my “numbers” up.  Yet, while many bloggers whom I have great respect for, can do this very well, I do not feel that I would be able to blog everyday and have something that I really wanted to say.  So I blog much less frequently.  Not that there aren’t thoughts flying around in my head all the time, that is a given!  And, I am fairly opinionated, even though I have learned to keep a lot of them to myself as I have gotten older.  Or, maybe I am getting better at seeing both sides of a situation, or more, and less able to find “the right” one.  In any case, I am not sure I could be an everyday blogger.

I am sure that I have reached a milestone today! One hundred followers whom I did not know prior to starting this blog, have found my words worth reading.  How humbling and inspiring!  Thank you to each and every one of you!

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The Consequence of Fear

So much for my “Just Be” theme of the year.

I think the Universe is giving a me Giant Push which is getting stronger and stronger.  I, of course, have not recognized it until now.  I am a bit slow in these things.  I tend to be the complacent type–no that’s not right either.  I am the one who gets really excited about doing something, so I get all kinds of “stuff” so I can start it; which I do, then I quit and everything just sits there.  I then kick myself for spending bunch of money for something I am once again not using; starting and quitting something again; and, feeling like I am never going to accomplish anything.  My next move, you ask?  I hit the couch, turn on the “I don;t have to think about it” electronic box, pull out the electronic game pad so I really don’t have to think and I can zone out for days.

Of course, that is not the only reason for this lay on the couch behavior. Usually it is because of the pain being bad enough that I just can’t function that day.  Sometimes it is because the depression has taken over and I just don’t care that day.  And sometimes it is because I am running away from feeling as if I give up on the things I want to do, without ever really trying to do them.  I’ve never thought of myself as a quitter before, at least not until I began writing the last sentence.  I really don’t like it.  Feels quite yucky, for lack of a better term.  Wow, I have to change that one.

One thing that I have not quit and will not give up on is writing.  A couple of weeks ago I was away from home and did not have any information about the book I have been working on with me, but I did have my laptop with me.  So, I started typing about my life, thinking it would be more cathartic than anything.  I really didn’t intend for it to turn into anything I would ever consider publishing.  It seems that the Universe may have other plans. The most interesting ideas about my writing comes to me around 1:30 AM, so I have learned to keep a notebook, flashlight, pencil and my phone (it takes dictation) next to my bed every night.  Last week, I “received” information about what I thought was my cathartic writing.  I really don’t want to go into all the details here, but the title I was “given” was “The Consequence of Fear.”  I then “received” reminders of all the things I didn’t do in my life, that I wanted to do, because I was too afraid to do them.  The list was much longer than I remembered.  It was also very sad.

Choices. I have had many to make and I don’t think I’ve always done such a good job at making them.  I know:  I did what I did and I can’t change anything.  I’ve learned from the decisions I’ve made and there is no use in looking backwards.  Except, to use what I see to make different choices now.  To overcome the fear when given the opportunity to make a choice.  To do something different.  To step outside of my comfort zone and do things differently.  To work on that Bucket List!  It is now or never, I suppose.  After all, “You have to have some fun every day, who knows if you will even have tomorrow.” This is a statement made by my great-niece recently, that has resonated with me ever since she said it.  She is wise beyond her years!

Getting back to that Giant Push I am feeling.  Things are changing, shifting in my life.  I feel disconnected from people I know, like I am being told “it’s time to get out there and do new things, meet new people.”  This is really tough for an introvert, especially one who has isolated herself for the past three years. I also have to be cognizant of my health concerns, financial concerns and physical abilities.  Of course, I also have to be aware of using these as excuses too.  They have been a convenient way to explain away my isolation.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to get ill.  I was exposed to pneumonia in May; I got it the first of June and I am still dealing with the effects of it at the end of July.  Health issues are a valid concern.  Yet the Push is getting stronger, no doubt about it.  Soon it will not be something I can ignore.  I don’t want to ignore it anymore.  I want to do some of those things that I have avoided.  It all comes down to the choice–let the fear rule or overcome it!

 

Friday’s Fears

It has been too long since I have posted.  I know this, not because of the date, but because my head is exploding with words.  It seems that the only times I have a lot to say are the times I have little time to write.  While the times I have a lot of time to write are the times I feel I have little to say.  I believe that is fear, my friends.  So, today I am taking the time to write and hoping that I am ready for the company that is coming in 70 minutes.  No, I am not showered or dressed yet, so I will have to type rather quickly!

I am back in my funk.  That bicycle I bought July 4th has left my garage three times and one was to go to the bike shop to be repaired.  So I have only been on it twice.  Okay, so I’ve had a double ear infection like forever and the doctor said riding it might not be good, and I have had trouble just keeping my balance while walking, but this would not have stopped me in the past.  So is my common sense getting better or am I just becoming too compliant? I hate being compliant!

The weather here has been perfect, 70’s and low humidity.  We have set records for cool weather in July!  I have slept.  In the house with the windows open at least, but I have slept.  Of course, I found out this has contributed to the double ear infection problem, so now I am sleeping with the windows closed and the air-conditioning on while the weather outside is perfect.  And the kicker:  I am 53 years old and I may need to get tubes in my ears…I think I am a little young to be going through my second childhood!  Don’t little kids get these when they are like 3? I’m no expert on these things, I didn’t have kids and dogs generally don’t get tubes in their ears!

Speaking of dogs, my youngest, and some would say my favorite, Willie (Princess Wilhelmina) has now been diagnosed with allergies and is taking daily medicine.  She is also eating a lot. She is supposed to be a mini doxie, but I am unsure how long we will be keeping the mini part.  I’ve already started the diet; I did that the day I started the medicine and we went to the park for a walk before we started the medicine.  I am very familiar with steroids.  I started them the day before.  I did not do the diet or the walk for myself, however.  I’ve always been better at taking care of others.  I did begin to be more careful with my diet last night, right after I ate the candy bar and the cookies.  I did not eat them in front of Willie, though, so that counts, right?  Today, I am hoping to go back to the park with Willie and might even take my oldest, Rudy, who is diabetic. (I didn’t eat the candy bar or cookies in front of him either.)  Of course that would leave the middle child at home by herself, which would increase my guilt significantly.  This usually means we all stay home.  And sleep.

My other project for today is to “let go” of my former life.  In my previous life I was a mental health therapist.  I was very good at what I did and I believe I helped a lot of people.  This illness has removed my ability to do that work anymore.  I could never handle the stress, the hours and the mental acuity required.  I no longer have the memory that is needed.  That all sucks and makes me extremely sad.  So I have decided not to look at all the books I have that related to my former life.  It is time to give them to someone who can use them.  I have no idea who that is, but maybe my local library does.  So I will start there.  Today a friend will help me box them up and I will deliver them next week.  In addition, I am going to make my “office” at home more of a “studio” where I can be more creative.  Now, it looks like an office, very practical and business like.  I am not business like any more.  Now I am all over the place, I “flit” and that’s okay.  I want to be comfy when I create, not sit at a desk in a desk chair that hurts my body.  So that needs to change.  And today is the day it begins.  It will be a fun project.  I will start with cleaning out the space, so I know what I need/want.  Then I can hit the thrift stores to see what I can find.  What an adventure! Kind of exciting, getting to create a new space in which to create. I am a writer now: maybe not an author (yet), but a writer.  That is my new profession and I am very grateful that I have it.  If I can ever get past the fear of putting the words on the paper!

 

 

I Bought A Bicycle!

On July 4th most people hang out with friends or family at barbecues and picnics, playing games, drinking beer, laughing and having fun.  That doesn’t for me, at least not any more. I did have lunch with a friend, which was wonderful, as we sat by the flooding river and enjoyed ourselves at an outdoor restaurant.  Afterwards, we shopped.  We used to shop a lot together, but we stopped that practice because it was not good for either of our bank accounts.  We are bad influences for each other when we shop!  And we know it.  So going shopping together can be dangerous thing for us to do.

I have thought about buying a bicycle for a while.  I need to get exercise.  I was told, however, by a couple of doctors many years ago that I should not ride a “regular” bike again, because of my back issues.  My bicycle “should be” a recumbent bicycle.  I listened to the doctors and stopped riding a bicycle. I bought a recumbent stationary bicycle and use it sometimes.  It’s just not as much fun.  I recently decided that I was going to try to ride a regular bicycle again.  I am tired of all the “rules” and “limitations” that I have been given.  I have listened and I have followed them and I am bored with life.  it seems that I sit in my house and do very little.  Most days that’s all I feel like doing; but those other days, I want to DO something!  So, I bought a bicycle.  It is not a fancy bicycle, it’s old, it’s a cheap brand and I didn’t pay a lot for it.  A number of people have laughed at it because it is “cheap,” or it is “old” or it has “rust” on it.  I don’t really care about all of that.  It fits me well and it works. The gear shifter was broken and it cost almost as much to get a new one put on as I paid for the bike.  Without a new one though, I couldn’t ride it at all.

After I adjusted the seat and the handlebars, put air in the tires and cleaned up the bike, it was time to try it out.  I got on, pedaled for about thirty seconds and got so dizzy I couldn’t see! Got off the bicycle and put it away.  Not an auspicious start to my new hobby!  I decided I must just be tired and it would be better the next day after I rested.  And it was.  The next day it was even better.  Now I can ride a bit farther every day!  Of course, yesterday I guess I rode a little too far and had an asthma  attack.  I will remember my inhaler from now on, though.

The main thing is that I bought a bicycle! I broke the rules.  I am pushing my limits in a controlled way.  I’m not doing anything too crazy and I’m working up to being able to ride around my whole neighborhood so that I can eventually be able to ride in the park. I will get there.  Maybe I will like it so much that I will buy a better bicycle, but for now the bicycle I have will do just fine.  After all, it deserves another chance as much as I do.

External vs Internal: Does It Really Matter?

There have not been many external events happening recently, unless you count the illness stuff and I really don’t want to.  Or you count the recovery from illness, which is a bit better to focus on, I guess.  Other than that there has just been a lot of sleeping, watching TV and reading, which I guess does fall into that recovery category.  Internally, however, things are beginning to shift again.  I am feeling the need to get out of the house, not for purely social reasons, although those are important enough, but also for observational reasons.  I need to be observing life–people, places and things–so that I can write.  And I am writing again, oh, I guess that is an external change.  It feels so internal to me that I don’t notice when words actually leave my head and get put on paper…well, on the computer screen.  It is especially nice when they STAY on the screen after I put them there.  Yes, I “lost” two hours of writing the other day, just gone to great abyss of…wherever that shit goes when it goes somewhere!  The important fact here is that it is gone…bye-bye…see ya (NOT).  That was the bad news.  The other bad news is that I can’t just rewrite it, those words came once, not sure they will come again, although I will try.  The good news, I spent yesterday setting up a new writing system (another external change)! So hopefully that won’t happen ever again.  I hope.  At least not this week.  Or this month.  Or this year.

So, I am excited about today because I get to spend it writing.  I really hope the words come.  If not it doesn’t matter.  I have a new mantra…Keep My Butt In The Chair! I say it to myself a lot now.  It is the only way that I am ever going to finish anything! It is the only way that anyone ever finishes anything.  I know I don’t have a lot of stamina and I can’t stay in that chair for long, but I have to give it a try.  You know, one hour of writing, two hours of napping, one hour of writing, two hours of napping, etc.  That is about how life goes, no matter what I try to do.  And somewhere I will slip in my “observation” time.  It will happen.  I just have to keep my motivation and my dream in front of me.  And the other negative crap, self-defeating thoughts, in that great abyss of…

I am also finding that the balance is hard.  The amount of time “required” being alone so that I can gather my thoughts so I am able put words together into a story, along with not being so isolated that I forget how to interact with people.  It becomes easier and easier to become reclusive.  I do miss laughing though!  I find I don’t laugh anymore.  I haven’t for a long time.  And I miss it more and more.  I realize now, that even when I find something funny, I have a hard time laughing at it.  I wonder, is laughing a skill that one learns and forgets?  Or is laughing something that, with enough pain, too difficult to bring back?  Either way, I want it back!  I love to laugh…or at least I used to!  I used humor at work all the time, I was known for it and it worked! I do not know how to get it back, but I do know I am going to work at it.

It seems I’ve made a list for myself:  Keep my butt in the chair; Make observation time; Keep my dream in front of me; Find the balance; Re-learn how to laugh again.

Okay, I’m exhausted just looking at the list!   Is it nap time, yet?