“Happiness comes from within.” We hear that all the time, that nothing and no one can make us happy. And it, for the most part, it is true. Yet, when a major event occurs and changes your circumstances, it’s hard to believe it!
Yesterday that happened for me. The major event that I was so very stressed and worried about happened, see: Sometimes You Just have to Admit it Sucks. It turned out better than I could have hoped! And it relieved the stress and the tension that has been enveloping my life for the past two and a half years. I had no idea that I had been living like that! But the fact that I slept for nine hours at one time has shown me that I have. That and the black cloud is not so dark today.
So does happiness come from within? I don’t really know, maybe. Maybe the relief of stress and tension and fear has allowed me to feel some of the happiness that is innately in my heart. Maybe the pain I feel everyday has been validated by those who don’t really have a clue what it is like to live my life. Maybe the black cloud lifting has allowed me to truly feel the love and support I have from all of my friends.
All I know right now is that whatever itis I will take it!
And I will hold onto it for as long as I possibly can!
As I am sitting here this morning, I am wondering why I give myself such large challenges. I chose my “Theme of the Year” to “Just Be.” To me that implies, giving up the stress, the worries, the fear, the longing, the “I’m not good enough’s,” the “what ifs.” That list could go on and on and on, so I will just leave it there, you get the picture. I really am working on most of them and doing fairly well…but that stress and worry thing, that is a B***H!!! It is hard not to worry and to eliminate stress when an event that will impact the rest of your life is before you. I don’t often have events like this in my life. Usually, I can eliminate them immediately by using “will this matter in a month, a year, 5 years?” In this case, the answer to all three is a resounding YES! So, how does one reduce the stress and worry about something that will have an effect on their life for a long time to come? I am not sure I have the answer to that question, as I have been trying all sorts of things to no avail. Distraction is always my go-to! It works for pain and depression, to a point that makes both manageable for me. But now, it has been less than effective. I do not seem to be able to concentrate on anything…it has taken me five days to get back to finishing this short post! Nor can I meditate, as I can not stop my brain, although I do not know where it is going. I do seem to be able to sleep–during the day. At night, that luxury escapes me, even when I force myself to skip the daytime naps. So, no, I am not coping well. Or maybe I should just say I am not coping as well as I want to cope! I am coping. I have not done anything “foolish,” like shopping with money I don’t have. That would be my go to temporary feel-good. I am breaking that pattern, or I should say I have broken it…the one good thing that has come out of this journey. I have learned what is truly important in life; and I am learning, usually the hard way, whom I can trust to provide it!
I have two more days to wait until this event is over. Of course, there will be no outcome that day. Or in the days after that. It will take weeks. More waiting. The second lesson I am learning here. Patience. Waiting. To “Just Be.”
I am reflecting on the experience I had this week of being judged before I entered the room. The judgment: I am too smart and too educated. In this case, that is deemed to be a negative. Based on the “lectures” I was given, a grave negative! I am used to being judged on a variety of factors; I am sure that we all are. Despite my voiced desire not to judge anyone, I still find myself doing so. Maybe it is the human condition, I am not sure, but I do know that I am at least conscious now of when and how I judge so that I can change those responses. That is progress! But I digress. I am used to being judged and I am great at picking up on it, but I don’t believe that I have ever been told I am too smart or that I am too educated. It was an interesting experience and my reaction to it caused me to take great pause. I was angry. To be judged BEFORE I entered the room? About something that most would take great pride in?
I wonder, is this what it feels like to be truly passionate about who you are and to then be told you are nothing? To be passionate about a cause, only to be told that you will never win? Or to see freedoms being taken away and fighting against it, only to be beaten down and repressed even more? For doesn’t all of this start with someone’s judgment against another human being?
My thoughts are jumbled in my brain.They seem to be coming in fits and starts. I wonder if there is a game that can unscramble them to make them coherent. You know, the way one unscrambles letters to make words. I suck at that game. No wonder I am muddled today. Perhaps I should wear the “not all who wander are lost” shirt today. No I do feel rather lost, so that would not work. Not lost in the depressed sense, lost in the “I need a compass” sense. I should stay close to home. No, not today. Today is “out of town” day. It will be okay, the car knows the way. Never trade the old for the new. Unless it is an un-jumbled brain!
So my theme for this year is to “BE.” It is now February 5th, I started my theme on January 6th. I think today I’ve decided I want to “BE,” just not sure I want to be me. Last year was very challenging, so this year is going to be Awesome, right? After all, it happens like that, one bad then a good one to make up for it. Ok, I’m waiting. When I look at this January versus last January, this one is definitely better! No surgeries, no health crises! February isn’t stacking up so well. I’m having my first psoriasis outbreak, I have no idea how anyone has lived with this their entire life! I can deal with all kinds of pain, but this itching and these sores are driving me mad! Also the fatigue! How can someone sleep so much? I’ve always been of the mind that “energy begets energy.” No more. Now I take a shower to wake up and get going, and by the time I am dressed, I need a nap! Just ridiculous. I have about 2 hours in my day that I can really function and it isn’t easy trying to decide: what are the things that I’d like to use my two hours for today? Believe me, cleaning, which I’ve always been somewhat OCD about, doesn’t even make the list anymore. Neither does cooking, which is really not good for my health, but there is just no energy.
I choose to spend my time reading and writing. That is about all I have a desire to do, so why not take the time I feel I have to function and use it doing what I want to do? The problem now is that I start out reading, as I love reading what others are writing in their blogs! It gives me inspiration and allows me creative license with my own. By the time I finish reading, I’m exhausted. Today I tried the shower thing…just get re-energized, I thought. Well, here I am, headache and all! I feel like I am drained of…everything…yet if I don’t get something written today, I feel I will explode! Isn’t that an interesting phenomenon! Just a few weeks ago, I didn’t write a blog at all and now I feel I must! There is a passion being developed here, not just for blogging, but for writing. I feel I am developing my own voice!
Maybe it will be okay to “BE” me after all. Right after I get up from my nap.