Walking on a Tightrope

I wasn’t at all sure that I wanted to share this, yet somehow not sharing takes away from the essence of what I want this blog to be: an authentic look at life, the way I see it, so that it can create discussion and thought for those who read it.  I’ve thought about adding humor to it, however I find that humor is something that escapes me on most days.  It is not that I am avoiding humor, for I do look for it always, I just don’t find really funny things in my everyday life.  So for explanations sake here goes: I have Psoriatic Arthritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Osteoarthritis, Hypoadrenalism and Hemiplegic Migraines.  Lots of fancy words! I can sum it all up very succinctly: there are many days when life just sucks! Balancing the medications, I think I am up to 15 or so, with the symptoms and side effects is a full-time job; and yes, you got it, I can’t work.  At least not at anything that provides an income.  My “job” is battling disease which involves my immune system attacking my body to destroy it…not only my joints but my organs also.  To do this, I take medications that cause cancer and can kill me in other ways.  What a trade off! Yet it is the only way I can live, as the pain is way too intense otherwise.  Of course, the medications for the auto-immune diseases, Rheumatoid and Psoriatic Arthritis, have caused other diseases, like hypoadrenalism, and have made that seem like a larger issue than what I had when I started! It all gets very complicated and confusing. I will talk more about this as I continue to post, as it is an ongoing saga.

I try to stay positive. I try to say that these diseases will not define who I am or what I can do.  Yet I know in my head and my heart that they do each and every day.  Maybe this is why the humor is hard to find and why I have such a difficult time being authentic, the difference between how I see myself–capable and desiring–is very different from my reality–full of disease and unable to do the things I want. How do I find authenticity in this? I have tried to deny the diseased part and think of myself as only capable, however this leads to more physical pain as I overdo.  I have tried to accept the diseased part and give myself allowances for it, however this leads to more depression as I do not want to be diseased.  Many days, ok every day, I walk this tight rope hoping that I don’t fall off, as I don’t want to fall into the pit of depression.  Maybe this is why I cannot find humor, I am using all my energy to stay on the tightrope.  It takes a lot of concentration to stay up here, there is little left for anything else. Maybe this is why I am so tired all time…oh yeah, there is also this disease my body is fighting.  If only it was as easy as it looks on TV…

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5 thoughts on “Walking on a Tightrope

  1. domain

    Awesome website you have here but I was curious about if you knew of any user discussion forums that cover the
    same topics talked about in this article?
    I’d really love to be a part of community where I can get feedback from
    other experienced people that share the same interest.
    If you have any suggestions, please let me know.
    Thank you!

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    1. praw27 Post author

      There are discussion groups on Facebook for both Rheumatoid and Psoriatric Arthritis that are great. You can search for them and then ask to join them. They are all closed groups. That is the best that I can suggest!

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  2. Holistic Wayfarer

    Taking care of yourself IS a f/t job. Sorry things are what they are.
    I well know there are no quick fixes but I hope you find this helpful:

    myholistictable.wordpress.com

    Haven’t been able to build it, as the Journey has kept me busy. People have found the How to Eat page useful. I just leave up the blog as a reference.

    Xxxx
    Diana

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  3. Lu

    I say run the rope as often as you can… This accomplishment I believe would be helpful. Other days use your capable mind to try doing the same. I wish you enough. As you say.

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    Reply

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